Hatred In The Sunshine

When I was about 16 I discovered Michael Franti and Spearhead and for a couple of years I was completely enamoured of living a barefoot life of peace and all-encompassing love. I would love my brothers and sisters, embrace my enemies, and keep chickens and grow vegetables.

At the age of 23 I now live in the Eastern suburbs of Sydney and peace and love is the name of a scented candle I can buy at a 'nifty' little boutique after I have a latte and patted all the cocker-spoodles on a Sunday morning in Coogee.

Perhaps I am a little further removed from believing that "all the freaky people make the beauty of the world" than I used to be, but generally, I do aim to live a reasonably chilled existence. I try to be as tolerant as I can, and to understand and appreciate difference. Not only does this help others by virtue of me not bashing cripples and slandering ethnics, and not only does it put positive energy into the world (keeping it real Franti. Respect) but this attitude, above all, helps me. I realised some time ago that I am the only person who can determine my daily mood, and being negative toward others will only create a nasty little reservoir of hate and anger within me. I'm not one of those people that froths on the Dali Lama but I did hear him say once that anger is like holding onto a hot coal. You can hold it until you see the person you are angry at and throw it at them, but the damage done to you will be far greater than that done to the target. This, I agree with.

There are, on the other hand, people who are not like this. And one of these people is Emile.

I spent a good part of my weekend with Emile, an Emile spent a good part of the weekend compiling a list of things he hates so much they make him want to vomit with rage. Here are a few things that inspire malice in my friend Emile, in his own words (or an approximation there-of).

Zombies
because: "They're terrifying! They're the scariest things that could ever possibly exist in the world! And they would smell awful, like a dead body. I hate them!"

Breakfast Cereal
"It's useless! I hate it!"

Children
"I just hate them!"

Small Talk
"It's like when you're at a party, and you see someone, and they don't want to talk to you, and you don't want to talk to them but you have to! Why bother? You could just keep walking instead of standing there talking about the weather. It's a waste of time! Why say hello to every person you know? Who cares what they're doing these days? They're boring! I hate it!"

Chocolate Freckles
"Aaargghhh!!! They're the worst! Nobody likes them but everybody ALWAYS EATS THEM! They're disgusting anyway, they're made out of poo chocolate! They're so useless! I hate them!"

Bad Grammar
"A man is only as good as his grammar"

Humanity in General
This was followed by no commentary, just a thousand yard stare.

Barnacles
Urgh! Don't they just make you so ANGRY? They're disgusting. They make me want to vomit ALL OVER THEM! It's like, the whale comes out of the water and they're all nice and smooth and shiny, and then there's all these horrible barnacles all over them like disgusting acne. I HATE THEM!!!!!!
(this quote is basically word-for-word, no exaggeration).

For what it's worth, Emile is lovely, an all-round nice guy. He just tends to get a little bit ranty every now and... always. We try and accommodate him and make the world a little bit easier on him by taunting him with incorrectly pronounced German and by calling him a sourpuss.

Happy birthday Emile. May all your brightest dreams come true. Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars!!

If anyoe wants me, I'll be sheltering from Emile in the panic room.




oh yeah...


Also, I was telling Dad about this on Sunday. I got to the bit about barnacles and Dad clenched his fist and snorted: "Ah! That pisses me off too! I HATE barnacles! They RUIN THE WHALE!"

Happy fathers day too Dad!