Tortoise This.

Trying to find love is like trying to fish a fly out of a glass of water with a straw. You can aim for it as delicately as you like but the fly will just slip around it like there’s some kind of force field around the tip. One of these days I’m just going to have to ram my finger in there and dig it out.

ANIMALS THAT CAN BE USED AS VERBS

Ram

Fish

Fly

and

Squirrel

Duck

Dog (slang)

Chicken (out)

Rat

Parrot

Ferret

(out) Fox

Ape

ANIMALS THAT CANNOT BE USED AS VERBS

Ant (I anted him good)

Lizard (lizard that paper to me please)

Dolphin (just dolphin on your day off)

Bison (I’d totally bison James Franco)

Tortoise (tortoise this!)

Just so you know, this post is going no-where so if you’re looking for coherent and stimulating prose, well…

…

…

… James Franco. See, I can’t even finish that sentence properly. The above is a picture of the totally aimless and distracted brain that is squatting in my head, kicking the back of my eyeballs like a ratty child on a long flight, and tumbling gracelessly forth through my mouth, all limbs and dirty sneakers.

I officially have one week left of employment until I am made redundant and as yet have no firm thoughts about what to do with my life. My job as a video editor has been incredibly rewarding, but now, faced with the kick in the pants I have long needed, I am forced to re-evaluate and decide if this is the right “track” for my “career”.

So now I’m presented with the illusion of infinite possibilities. So far my plans for the next year have consisted of “learn French” and possibly “patent new Nutella- iNuts 2.0”. “Get new job” would be a useful addition to this list but apparently it’s not allowed in. “Get new job” has its cold little orphan nose pressed against the glass window of the ostentatious restaurant that is my mind, and the gluttonous suited men raise their eyebrows and scoff. This is not a place for you, realism.

My family are no help either. Both my father and elder sister suggested I “go to art school”. I’m sorry, what? This isn’t what family are supposed to suggest to aimless, unemployed people. They’re supposed to slam their newspapers shut and shout “Get a haircut!” and THEN I enroll in art school to spite them. Why would they suggest I add to my HECS debt, and waste my precious youth studying when I could be concentrating on finding a rich husband? Why would they do that?

In the face of this highly confusing and unsettling period of my life I have done… nothing. I’ve wedged the situation firmly into the too hard basket and hung a “gone fishin’” sign on my life. I’m hitting the snooze button and propose to do so for a while. Money is a slight problem but clearly not problem enough for me to go “job hunting”.

I need a guidance counselor, like Mr Rosso in Freaks and Geeks. I’m sure he would help me out, plus I could hang out under the bleachers and make out with James Franco. I hope everyone here is cool with these train of thought derailments, because really, that’s all I have right now.