Three Movie Reviews

The Bounty Hunter- Categorically Shit

I’m not sure what actually drove me to see The Bounty Hunter. Nicola and I wandered into the Ritz, a little sun-drunk after a couple of hours at the beach with the wish to see “some dumb movie”, probably to groom us for the night of incredibly dumb drinking which lay before us. Because both of us have previously worked at the Ritz the ticket seller gave us a sneaky comrade discount so we only had to pay eight dollars each for the film. Let me tell you, I felt every cent of that eight dollars.

There’s something about Jennifer Aniston that I do find quite likeable. I think it’s that she’s incredibly average. She’s essentially average looking, she usually plays average characters, her media “scandals” are ones most of us can relate to, not to mention she’s Madonna to Angelina Jolie’s whore (no woman would want to be usurped by Jolie. She’s almost the ultimate woman, and therefore utterly hateable). I liked Aniston in The Bounty Hunter, although for the better part of two hours I was preoccupied by her bony chicken-bone (décolletage if you read Cosmo). Jennifer’s chest is harsh terrain and her bosoms are weird, this is primarily what I took away from The Bounty Hunter. Gerard Butler’s chest is also peculiar. He’s a big guy, I guess he “works out”, but he looks like some 1950’s cartoon character who inflated himself with a bike pump. Stick a pin, or Aniston’s elbow, into him and Gerard Butler would go zooming around the room, bouncing off the ceilings and walls. That’s science.

The worst part of the movie was the music, which was mind-bendingly unoriginal. The car chase was accompanied by a screaming guitar solo, the casino scene with Shirley Bassey or some shit, and the seduction scene with “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gay. I just couldn’t believe someone got paid to design this part of the film. It was like they gave the job to the director’s neighbour’s unemployed dad.

No stars. This movie made me want to tear the stars from the sky.

Men Who Stare At Goats- Probably starring Sean Micallef

I saw this at Fox Studios. I ordered the two tickets plus a medium popcorn and a bottle of water for my friend and me. The guy behind the counter told me “if you have the medium popcorn and the bottle of water you can get it as a combo, which is ten cents cheaper”,
“Great” I said. “What’s in the combo?”
“A medium popcorn and a bottle of water” said he.
“…Ok… thanks.”

The movie itself was enjoyable and mildly thought provoking, and it was nice seeing Ewan Macgregor doing something other than posing for perfume ads. The best performance was given by Jeff Bridges as a burned out acid casualty who really likes ice cream. Adorable.

I was also able to draw a strong comparison between George Clooney with a moustache and Sean Micallef with a fake moustache. I am unable to illustrate this comparison because I couldn’t find any pictures but trust me, they look similar. Image if they were both your uncles and had moustaches and patches on their elbows and gave you mini mars bars at Christmas time. That’s a thought that is going to keep me warm at night.

3.5 stars (.5 for display of excellent moustaches, worn by most characters)

Crazy Heart- Colin Farrel wears girl’s earrings

Hey, have you ever wanted to see a movie about an attractive young female who falls in love with a grizzled old alcoholic, maladjusted, loner of an old man? Then you should see this film, and just about every other American film made. Ever.

I’m so sick of this shit. When it’s an older woman she’s labeled with a nickname that essentially implies she’s a predator, when it’s an older man it’s called a “romance”.

Jeff Bridges earned his Oscar with the vomit in the beard scene, that shit was yucky. Mind you, the continuity person needs to realise that a conditioned alcoholic would probably need a little more than half a bottle of whisky to get wasted enough to spew. It takes that much just to get me dancin’*.

Both this and the Bounty Hunter are pretty much textbook examples of how to make a Hollywood money spinner and a heart… moving (I don’t know) indie film about country music. Neither push any boundaries and neither are particularly memorable.

3.5 stars (-.5 of a star for putting a kid so cute in it that I wanted to go get pregnant. That’s just irresponsible, Crazy Heart).

*Just kidding, that’s artistic licence. I never drink that much, Dad.