Consumer Product Reviews

Vera Bermuda is not on the cutting edge. For Vera Bermuda, style is timeless, and therefore timing is negligible. These products are not particularly new, or even very interesting, but I’m road-testing them anyway, for the good of the people, and for the fodder of this blog.

GHD Hair Straightener

Some down-to-earth, no nonsense marketing from GHD

I have never really understood the hype around the GHD hair straightener. Apparently, GHD to straightening hair is what Ferrari is to driving, what Prada is to dressing, and what Moet is to getting pissed. It’s a brand, it’s an aura, it’s the vibe, it’s Mabo. I knew a girl who got engaged a few years ago and all of her friends pitched in to buy her one- a bizarrely one person-oriented engagement present I thought, but nonetheless a coveted item.

I never really did understand how a brand could come along and do so much in the field of, what is essentially, ironing hair, and what had been done for decades before by- an iron. Anyway, many people will have you believe that a GHD is far superior to any other brand of hair straightener and therefore worth the $300 odd market price.

I came into a GHD via a friend, who was chucking it away because it belonged to someone who had done the bundy and is now living in America. I used it for the first time when I was rushing off to Sasha’s birthday dinner, which I was late to because Nicola and I were watching The Bounty Hunter, which was eight different kinds of shit.

I washed my hair and blow-dried it in the very technical manner I usually do which makes me look like Grug, and I plugged in the GHD to warm it up.

Timeless style

The first ting I noticed about the GHD was how big and heavy and black it was- solid, like a weapon. This pleased me. The second thing I noticed was that the chord was also heavy and therefore less prone to curling up like inferior cheap and flimsy chords. This meant that it fell in a straight line from the appliance to the power socket. This too pleased me because things that aren’t straight stress me out a bit (excluding people- relax). A red light went on and moments later started blinking and beeping. I took this to mean it was communicating with me that it was warmed up and ready to use, which was very considerate of the appliance.

My hair was slightly damp so a lot of steam was generated around my head while using the GHD. This, combined with the black and weapon-like design of the appliance made me feel a bit like I was in The Terminator. I commenced making sound effects.

The finished product was- exactly like my hair straightened with any other hair straightener. I am yet to bet convinced about the GHD’s superiority, apart from the stellar weight of the chord.

Vegemite Cheesybite Spread



Vegemite Cheesybite is, quite simply, genius. It’s all the advantages of vegemite without the encumbering labour inherent in the process of making a vegemite snack. Fuck. Even thinking about making Vegemite on toast the old fashioned way makes me angry. Putting in the toast, getting out the butter, opening the butter, spreading the butter, putting away the butter. NO! I can safely say, without hyperbole, that Vegemite Cheesybite is to the 21st century what the automobile, the internet, penicillin (nb I am not a historian) was to the 20th. Revolutionary and delicious.

My Jumper



I bought this jumper on the way home from a ski trip last year. We went into this café in Cooma which had a massive array of souvenirs which had not been moved or altered in anyway since the 1970’s. It was spectacular. Racist old postcards, crappy little kangaroo badges, desktop calendars, souvenir spoons, and this jumper. I had real trouble limiting it to a few purchases. When I paid for it the old lady behind the counter looked at me real funny, like she didn’t really know why I was buying it. There was another lady working there too. She was about 30 and slightly haggard looking. She had a t shirt on that said ‘I’m not easy, but we can discuss it’. No word of a lie, I swear on Zeus’s beard that is true.

I thought I lost this jumper and I was really upset but I found it stuck behind a drawer of a dresser I was about to throw out. I will never regret buying this jumper. It was worth every one of the ten dollars I spent on it. I give it five stars.

Mosquitos

Some days you bite the mosquito, some days the mosquito bites you

I’ve noticed lately I am kind of ‘the shit’ when it comes to avoiding mosquitos. Every night I hear one buzzing around when I turn off the lights but I never get bitten. Every time I am outside at dusk all my friends get bitten and I never fall prey. I also give mosquitos five stars, for avoiding me.