Consumer Product Reviews 2

Vera Bermuda is not on the cutting edge. For Vera Bermuda, style is timeless, and therefore timing is negligible. Some of these products are not even products, nor am I technically consuming them, but let's humour me. It's better for everyone that way.

Sharpies

My mum and dad are always going on about the subcultures of their generation, bodgies, widgies and hippies. For the most part I was convinced that they had made these words up until I discovered that one of the groups, Sharpies, actually existed, and did so with upmost radicality.

The predecessors of lads and bogans with a leaning toward punk- Sharpies are poetry in fashion.

4 ½ stars

Sparkling Cachous

That’s right, the little silver balls on top of cakes, probably the only silver food you will eat today. Sure, they may break your teeth but when you drop them on the floor (which you will, sneaky little dudes they are) they bounce 70 cm in the air and make a really satisfying noise. I think the reason I like sparkling cachous so much is that I actually know what they are called, that’s novelty in itself. Also, it’s impossible to say the words “sparkling cachous” without panache. Saying the words is the vocal equivalent of jazz hands. CAchousssssssssss! It rings. Sparkling Cachous will be my DJ name, if I ever decide to go down that particular path.

4 stars

Thomas the Tank Engine vs Biggie Smalls

This is by far my favourite thing at the moment. Seal showed me this during one our wonderful winter nights in. Winter is bullshit, and going out places on a cold Saturday night is equally bullshit so Seal, Baz and I have adopted a new system for Saturdays. It involves cask wine, a heater, and the internet, and it’s entirely flawless. The first night we did it Seal showed us how to make microwave brownies in a mug. See? Flawless. After that he showed us this song and we all nodded our heaps in unison like we was ballin in a Cadillac. Interior crocodile alligator and so forth.

Incidentally, in a more recent winter night in, we developed a new system of measurement, as the metric system is old and played. Seal told us a story about “spilling a turkey’s worth of water” on himself at the butcher’s he and Baz worked at. Henceforth, liquid will be measured in turkeys, warmth in alpacas, happiness in puppies and fun in seals (the person, not the animal).

5 stars

Frozen Peas

This probably isn't a photo of me

Frozen peas man! Get the fuck out of town! These little guys are amazing. I don’t know why but I forgot about frozen peas entirely and then when I remembered them and started buying them again I was totally blown away. They add a little colour and flavour to every meal, they double as a cold compress for injuries, they even taste good frozen (don’t ask me why). I think the moral of this particular story is that it is incredibly easy to blow my mind but nevertheless, I give frozen peas 5 stars.

5 stars

Rubber Washing Up Gloves

I be getting Greek on that shit

It’s not all fun and games in my road testing this week. Rubber washing up gloves are good in theory, but when you live with males who have bigger hands than you the gloves tend to split, and then where are you? Pushing your hand into a cold, slimy, wet glove with a whole pile of washing up ahead of you. Not ideal. Not ideal at all.

1 star